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Each and every person will bring a
different skill set with them when they begin their CrossFit
journey. Some people have strength, some have endurance,
while others have flexibility. However, no matter what you
bring to the table, there is bound to be something that is
going to trip you up in the programing. It is the nature of
the beast. Constantly varied and constantly pushing your
limits. This is a list, in no particular order, of some of
the most frustrating CrossFit movements, today, because I’m
sure HQ is thinking up new ways to haunt our dreams as you
read this. 1. Double
Unders- Jumping rope. No big deal, kids do this every
day. Oh wait, you want it to pass under my feet twice in one
jump. As you begin, you imagine Rocky training with Apollo,
speed rope hissing through the air while sweat drips from your
body. You swing the rope over head and immediately hit your
feet. Good start. The average person swears about 3.7 times
per one double under when they first start. Rightfully so,
you would probably have just about as much fun standing in
place and just whipping your arms and legs with the rope.
Then it happens, you string some together. The sound of the
rope passing under your feet twice is like an angel’s
whisper. Then you see some YouTube video of a guy hitting
triple unders. Thanks, why don’t you just kick my dog while
you’re here.
2. Thrusters- For some
reason I feel like Greg Glassman was not that good at math.
In CrossFit, 1 never equals 1, it’s always 2=1 or 3=1. There
is no better example of that then the thruster. So let me get
this straight, essentially you want me to power clean, front
squat, and then push press, and that equals one rep. Now hit
21 reps, 15 reps and 9 reps. “It’s the set of 15 that gets
you.”. Nah, I’m pretty sure rep 1 sucks just as bad as rep
45. I’ve never heard someone cheer “Yay, thrusters!” at the
beginning of Fran.
3. Wall Balls- Ok, these
are just like a thruster, only with a soft, 14-20 lb, medicine
ball. What could go wrong, right? Wall balls will suck the
life out of you faster than trying to run through quicksand.
But they seem so harmless. You want me to do how many of them
in a row? 150 wall balls will have you making up stories
about a vacation on a dude ranch where you were on a cattle
drive for a week. That’s easier to explain why you are walking
funny and avoiding steps like the plague. Plus, no one would
believe that a plush 20 lb ball could do that to a human
being, until they tried it at least.
4. Burpees- Someone once
asked me if a singular burpee was called a burpi, to which I
replied “No, burpees never come in singles.” Drop down to the
ground. Do a push-up. Hop back up. Jump and touch your hands
above your head. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. You get
the idea. The only way to get over burpees is tricking your
mind into thinking you like them. Say it with me, “Burpees
are awesome. I love burpees.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Repeat.
5. Muscle Ups- Ahh, the
ever elusive muscle-up. Trying to pull yourself up on top of
the rings from a hanging position. I’ll just swing back and
forth for five minutes, that’ll get me up there. Let’ be
honest, even after you get them, some days you have them and
some days you don’t. She is a fickle creature the muscle-up.
And the worst part is, this is what a gymnast calls just
“getting up on the rings”.
6. Rowing- It’s not that
rowing is difficult, anyone can do it. It’s just that it’s so
damn boring. There’s a reason why they do it on a river with
scenery instead of in front of a 4 inch monitor that resembles
your old Nokia cell phone. Now that i think about it, having
that snake game on it wouldn’t be half that bad. I might
actually attempt the half marathon. The only one who likes
rowing is that guy who is 7’3” and gets 250 meters per
stroke. There’s one at every box, but ask him how much he
likes overhead squatting and toes-to-bar.
7. Handstand Push-ups-
So, you know those push-ups that you have been doing, ya I’m
going to need you to flip up onto that wall and do them upside
down. Don’t worry, the six quarts of blood that rush to your
head will be enough to distract you from the fact that your
shirt and shorts are coming up exposing pretty much all of
your insecurities.
8. Box Jumps- Ask
someone to jump 20-24” in the air, no problem. Ask them to
jump onto a wooden or steel box, big difference. Now, most
people have no problem with box jumps, until the they smack
their shins for the first time. The first time you bash your
shin good off of a box, you collapse to the ground like Peter
Griffin from Family Guy, clenching you shin saying “awww” for
ten minutes. Then that next set of box jumps might as well be
10 feet high as you stutter to gather the confidence to get
back on top. You are now contemplating hypnosis to get over
the fear of that seemingly insurmountable two feet.
9. Pistols- A one
legged air squat. If only you could get half a point for just
the downward part. Because it’s not the fall that kills you,
it’s the sudden stop at the bottom and then trying to come
back up. Yes we know, use a counter weight. All the tricks
in the world don’t stop the fact that it feels like my knee
cap is going to explode out of my leg like a bullet, hence the
name, maybe.
10. Snatch- I think the
worst part of the snatch is that every time it’s brought up it
turns into an episode of The Office where everyone turns into
Michael Scott repeating “That’s what she said”. Yes we get
it, it sounds dirty, but maybe if you focused on your form as
much as your innuendos, you could actually hit a half decent
rep. Name aside, the problem with this olympic lift is that
we tell you to remember all these positions then when it comes
time to lift, we tell you to forget all of them and just hit
the snatch. Go ahead, say it.
All ten of these movements are
challenging in their own special way. Some take strength,
some endurance and others flexibility. Most certainly they
all have one common denominator, practice. I always tell
people in my classes that practicing these movements in a WOD
is a lot like flossing your teeth before you go to the
dentist, no matter which one, you are going to be there
awhile. Now I’m sure competitors from the Central Beast
Region like Rich Froning or Ger Sasser might look at this list
and think “What’s so hard about any of those movements?”, but
it’s not about the 100 or so athletes that make it to the
CrossFit Games. It’s about the hundreds of thousands of
regular people across the globe that curse these movements
daily. Let’s be honest, all of us are thinking it, I just had
the wall balls to say it.
Keep practicing and stay
healthy my friends.
Adrian Van Balen
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Crossfit Integrated Fitness
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